i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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