i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
