Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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