I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
