I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
