I think I won the penis lottery.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Randomize
