She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
