my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
