I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
