Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
