She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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