you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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