question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
