ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
