He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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