Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She needs sedatives and a leash
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop