He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌