I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
