He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.