I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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