You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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