Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
