Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
