Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
