drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
