You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
