just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
