The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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