Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
