you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
