i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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