Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
