And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
