Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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