I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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