Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
