how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
