god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
