Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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