I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
dude i'm inner monologue high
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
