I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
being pregnant is like rehab
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
