Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So squirting runs in the family.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
