so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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