Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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