have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
