The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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