Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
