who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
