Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
