When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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