i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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