you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
