I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Come see our sink grown plant.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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