Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
