I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
