I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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