I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
