i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i will never coherently bang her
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
