I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize