So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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