I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
there's paper in my vomit.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
