im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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