Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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