tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
